Darkness
by Fi15
Summary: Set a few years in the future. What happens when Kate doesn't come home to her family because she's burying herself in work again? Is she falling back to her old habits? Will Castle be able to understand this time?
1. Chapter 1

She must hear Nate's screams from the elevator, because she's running to them as soon as they get out of it, her heart jumping inside her chest "What happened?" she asks, instantly reaching for the child in Castle's arms who wraps his arms around her mother's neck sobbing.

"Well, that's what I would like to know!" Castle fires back aggravated, moving past her in a fury, Amy on his right hand.

"What? What do you mean? Castle, why are you mad?" Kate asks turning around to follow him. Kate watches him, running his free hand through his hair while she rocks the toddler in her arms. Castle doesn't respond. "It's okay baby, mommy is here now" she whispers softly to Nate's hear. "What happened? Did he get worse?" she insists, facing Castle.

"Now, you're worried?" Castle says ironically.

"What's that supposed to mean, Rick?" Kate asks, taken back.

"It means exactly what you just heard! You didn't bother come home before, so don't act all worried now! God, Kate, you knew he was sick and you didn't even call!" he accuses, raising his voice.

"We agreed that you would call if he got worse, remember?" she asks him, not happy that he let things get to this point. It's true she didn't' call, but she trusts Castle more than she trusts herself with their kids, he's such a great father. Castle lets out a nervous smile "What? C'mon Castle, you know I had a case!" the detective fights back.

"Yes, I did! I also happen to know you wrapped it two hours ago!" the writer finally tells her, and he can read the shock all over her face, as she steps a little further from him.

The detective takes a long deep breath before whispering "Castle..." reaching out to touch his arm.

"No, Kate!" he shouts, pulling back. Kate trembles. She sees an anger in his eyes that she hasn't seen since that day at her apartment when he begged her to give up on her mother's case and she didn't listen.

"Daddy..." Amy whines, looking up to both her parents.

"Hey baby" Kate acknowledges, shifting Nate to her right arm so that she can use her left hand to caress her daughter's hair. Castle can barely hear Nate crying now, just a few sniffles and hiccups, which tells him that the only thing he needed was having his mother close. He still has his head buried in Kate's neck and not for once he raises it, despite all the shouting around him. Amy leans against her mother's legs, wrapping her arms around them and Kate can tell that she's scared. She doesn't blame her, she had never seen them fight like this before. With all her emotions threatening to take over and fall apart, Beckett makes an effort to pull herself together for her kid's sake and she lowers down to speak to Amy. "Hey sweetie" she calls tenderly, waiting until the girl meets her eyes to continue "I'm sorry that we scared you" she apologizes. Kate fights internally for the best way to handle the situation and after a moment of hesitation she faces Castle "Can we wait until we get home, alone, to talk about this?" she asks as calmly as she can at the moment.

"Talk about what Kate? About the fact that you rather be here in the precinct alone than at home with your family?" Castle replies.

The detective sighs, and without saying a word to him, turns back to her daughter "Honey, do you think you can go and sit at Uncle's Javi's desk for a moment so that I can speak to your daddy?" she asks.

Amy doesn't seem pleased with the request, but nods nevertheless. Kate wishes she could send Nate with her too, but she knows there's no way he'll get away from her now, so she doesn't even try. She waits until Amy is far from them and then approaches Castle "I understand that you're mad, but you have to let me explain" she tells him.

"I don't have to do anything" he disagrees. "You lied. To me. To them. I thought we were passed this" he's not shouting anymore, but he's disappointed, and she can't tell what hurts the most.

"I understand that you're mad" Kate repeats "but you have no right to accuse me of not worrying about our children and you have no right to tell them I don't care about them" she says firmly. Then, noticing that Nate's breathing has even out and that he fell asleep, she handles him to Castle "Here, hold him for a minute, I need to check on Amy" she says, not giving him a chance to talk back.

Castle watches as she walks away, following her steps in silence. He stops a couple steps before Javi's desk, where Kate pulls a chair to sit next to her baby girl.

Amy smiles nervously when she seems her come closer, a coping mechanism that she picked up from her mom.

"Hey stranger" Kate jokes as she sits down "are you okay?" she asks, nudging her legs lightly. Amy shrugs, but doesn't reply or even face her mom. "I'm sorry I didn't go home and I'm sorry we were shouting" Kate starts, her voice trembling "I love you so much, and I'm so glad you're here now, baby" she confesses, finally getting Amy's attention, who tilts her head to find a couple of tears running down her mother's cheeks.

"Mommy, are you crying?" the girl rushes to asks, as she reaches for her face to dry off the tears.

Kate chuckles "I'm just really glad to see you, that's all. I really missed you today" Kate admits, and the next thing she knows Amy is flying to her lap.

"I missed you too, mommy" she offers, pulling her close into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so so sorry" Kate whispers continuously against her daughter's hair.

Castle watches from a far, touched with the scene but unsure of what to make of Kate's actions. Neither of them speak, and it's Amy, who after while pulls back to speak to Kate "It's okay mommy" she tries to soothe her, caressing her mother's face with her little hands. "Can we go home now, please?" she begs.

The detective chuckles lightly, finally an easy question "Yes baby, let's go" she says raising from the chair and straddling the girl to her hipbone "I can walk mommy" the girl automatically tells her.

"I know" Kate sighs "I just wanted to keep you close to me a little longer" she confesses, ready to put the kid back on the ground.

"Okay mommy, you can carry me" the child gives in, feeling the need in her voice.

Kate smiles and stops by her desk to grab her bag and jacket. She glimpses at Castle, who's already getting the elevator and quickly slips a file into her purse before joining him.

No one speaks during the elevator ride. The detective has her car parked at the door, but she doesn't mention it and follows Castle to his. She can pick it up tomorrow, she's not about to separate from them again. Kate and Castle buckle the kids into their seats and they make the ride home in complete silence too. The detective can't help but glimpse at her partner from time to time, the disappointment written all over his face, and it kills her to once again find herself in that position, but she doesn't dare to say a word.


	2. Chapter 2

Rick parks the car and Kate walks out picking up a sleepy Nate from his car seat, since it's the closer to her side. Castle helps Amy get out and she runs to hold her mother's hand leaving Castle behind to carry the toys both kids had insisted in carrying. Once they are inside the loft Kate tells him "I'm putting them to sleep, I'll be right back".

"I'll do it" he interrupts her, approaching her to take the sleeping boy from her arms.

Kate doesn't flinch, but holds tighter to both children "If you want to join us you're more than welcome" she says , her voice steady and calm "but _I'm_ putting my children to sleep" she clarifies, not giving him a chance to argue.

Castle wishes Amy a good night and kisses her small cheek "Sleep well sweetie."

"Good night daddy" she offers, giving him a quick hug.

The writer watches his partner walk towards the starts, carrying Nate in one arm and holding Amy's hand to help her up the stairs. "They have their pajamas under the jackets" he tells her "since they were supposed to be sleeping hours ago" he adds and Kate nods without looking back. He's saying it to hurt her, to make her feel guilty, and though he hates himself for doing it, he can't help it.

"Want to go to the bathroom while I put Nate down on his crib?" Kate whispers to Amy, who nods in return, following her mother's instructions.

With the skill that only moms seem to have, Kate manages to gently pull out Nate's jacket with only one hand without disturbing his sleep, and placing a soft kiss to his cheek, lays him down on his crib, taking a moment to stare at the sleeping toddler, trying to enjoy the peaceful moment. When she hears the toilette flushing Kate turns to meet Amy by her bed. She helps her out of her jacket too and pulls her into her lap, into a close hug.

"I can crawl in bed on my own" the child says proudly though she's already melting in Kate's embrace.

Kate smiles "I know baby, but I could use some cuddles…" she admits, feeling Amy holding tighter to her body. The detective shifts her body, until she feels her back against the headboard, and rocks her daughter slowly. Kate has always made an effort not to let the kids fall asleep in her or Castle's arms, but today she's too tired, both physically and emotionally, to let go of her baby just yet. It doesn't take long for Amy to fall into a deep sleep and though Kate feels like she could hold her the whole night she decides to put her down after a while as she's hoping to still talk to Castle before they go to sleep.

She finds the writer in their bedroom, coming out of the bathroom and getting ready to go to bed. He doesn't acknowledge her presence, though it's impossible he didn't see her.

"Castle" – she stars, approaching him – "let's talk."

"Not now, Beckett" – he retorts, and the word hit her like a punch in the stomach. She can't explain why, it's not rational. Despite being together for so long, she still calls him "Castle" often, but there's something tender in the way she lets the word out that makes it unique, no matter how many other people also call him that. But it's been a while since he called her "Beckett" at home. It's not that he doesn't use it at all, he still alternates between "Kate" and "Beckett" when they are at the precinct or with their friends, but unless he's teasing her, he never uses it in moments like this, when they're alone, in an intimate environment.

"You're not even going to let me explain?" she insists in disbelief. She sounds harsher than she wishes, exhaustion taking the best of her.

"I'm tired, I had a long day." he dismisses her question, approaching his side of the bed "I spent about two hours in a row hearing to Nate's cries, while he and Amy asked me where they're mommy was. So I'm sorry, but I need some silence now" he tells her, though she can tell the apology is not meant.

"Castle…"

"No, Kate!" he says firmly. "The whole time we've been together, God, even before that, it's always been on your terms, at your pace" the writer accuses. "Not now, I just can't deal with you right now" he says, turning his back on her once again.

Kate follows him, "Castle, please" she insists, this time sounding too needy, but she doesn't care. "You know me better than this" Kate reminds him.

"Do I, Kate? Really? Because to me it looks like you are slipping right into your old habits. Running away, drowning yourself in work. Lying!" he vents "And I just don't know if I can't do that all over again…" his voice fade with the confession.

Kate stops for a moment, the words sinking in "Wha… What's that supposed to mean?" she asks in a shaky voice.

"It's not just my life you're playing with anymore, Kate. We have other people depending on us now" he insinuates.

"I never played with you" she tells him, and he laughs at that. A laugh that hurts her more than she could imagine "and I know our children depend on us, you don't need to remind me that" she guarantees.

"Well, that's not how it looks and honestly Kate, I'm tired of it."

She tries not to panic, tries not to read between the lines, but what is he saying? "Castle, what are you talking about? What do you want to do?" she insists.

Castle sighs, he knows he's hurt and mad and probably saying things he doesn't mean, that's part of the reason why he doesn't want them to speak right now "I don't know Kate…" he admits slightly calmer "We'll have to figure it out, but not today" he says finally getting into bed.

At that point Kate knows there's no point in keep on pushing. He may read her like a book, but she knows him too well too. Well enough to have seen almost every side of him, and it's the fact that he's saying things that he never said before that scares her. Sure they have fought before, but not like this. Defeated, Kate gets rid of her clothes and changes into her pajamas, laying down for a well-deserved rest that she's not sure she'll achieve. Now, with each of them turned on their sides, back to eachother, not even touching and barely feelings eachother presence, Kate hates that their beg is so big, and wishes it would be smaller so that they wouldn't have a chance not to touch.

It's 4 a.m. when the detective glimpses at the digital clock on her bedside table, still haven't had slept a bit. Castle hadn't fall asleep easy either, but it's been a while now since she noticed he's breathing had even out to a more regular and calm pace. Kate tries to push away her thoughts, but everytime she closes her eyes, vivid memories of her terrible day keep flashing in her mind. She turns to see Castle, frustrated (almost desperate), knowing that if only she could lose herself in his arms everything would be okay. He always had that gift of making her feel safe, even before they had given in into their feelings, because he isn't just the love of her life, he is her partner, her best friend. One of the reasons why Kate had fought so much to dive in in a relationship with this man that was nothing short but perfect for her in the beginning, was because she was scared of everything she could lose because she knew if she lost him she wouldn't just lose her boyfriend, but her anchor. Reaching out with her hand she almost touches him, but stops at the last second, finding in her the strength to respect the boundaries of this man that despite his childishness has always waited so patiently for her to be ready. He's right, it has always been on her terms, and that's not fair to him. He asked her to wait, she owes him that. So, though she wants to hug him close, she rises and leaves the room.

Unsure of where exactly she's heading Kate wonders around the loft until she finds herself standing outside the children's bedroom. Fighting with Castle sure didn't help her mood, but she knows the only reason she's taking it so hard is because she wasn't in a good place to start with. She has been fighting it the whole day, but now that she's alone in the dark, looking at her children safely sleeping, she finally lets the tears roll down her cheeks without even bothering to tame them. Kate doesn't know how long it passes before she moves, she doesn't care. When she finally feels her body reaching its limit, she approaches Amy's bed to lay down next to her, hoping the comfort of her daughter's presence will help her fall asleep. Kate tries her best not to wake her little girl, moving carefully, putting one knee on top of the duvet and slowly letting her body melt until she's lying on her left side, her upper body supported by her elbow as she looks over Amy.

The detective can't help but move a string of her away from her daughter's face and despite her efforts Amy shifts under the sheets "Mommy?" she asks surprised, her hands curled up in fists rubbing her sleepy eyes.

"Shsh" Kate shushes her softly, placing a kiss to her head "It's okay, baby, go back to sleep" though she knows it's pointless.

"What's wrong, mommy?" she insists.

Kate smiles tenderly "Nothing, honey, I just couldn't sleep so I figured maybe it would help if I crawl in bed with you" she says "it always seems to work with you" she adds half joking.

Amy nods. Without a word she moves to the side to free some room to her mom, lifting the duvet as an invitation to come inside. Kate doesn't hesitate and follows her silent instructions as Amy pats her pillow as telling her mom she can share it. Once Kate is tucked inside the warmth of Amy's bed, the girl immediately shifts closer again, gluing herself to Kate's body, who instantly wraps her arms around her. Kate feels Amy's breath on her chest as her own heart slows down to beat at the same rate as the sleepy child.

"Mom" Amy asks in a whisper a couple minutes later.

"Hum" Kate hums.

"Is dad still mad?"

Kate pulls back her head that was resting on top of Amy's to be able to see her face "He was just too tired to talk" she tries to sound lightly "we'll work things out in the morning. Don't worry about it" Kate pretends, a certainty she doesn't have. She always makes sure to be honest with her children, but there's no point in worrying her until she's sure there's a reason for that.

"Ok" Amy nods slowly, resting her forehead against her mother's chest.

Kate hugs her closer, a need she struggled to fight all day long.

"Mom" Amy calls again, and Kate loosens her grip, afraid she's crashing her.

"What is it, baby"

"I love you" she says in a slow, husky voice that makes Kate's lips curl into a smile in a split of a second.

"I love you too sweetie, so much" she replies kissing her cheeks and neck repeatedly and making the young girl chuckle. "Now, let's get some sleep" she advises.

Amy doesn't complain and it doesn't take long for her to be happily dreaming. For Kate it takes a bit longer, but knowing she has her baby in her arms, the smell of her scent invading her nose, actually make miracles and she manages to fall asleep too.


	3. Chapter 3

It's nearly 8.30 a.m. when Castle finally wakes up, finding himself in an empty and cold bed, the annoyance from the night before still haunting him. He gets up slowly, looking around for Kate. The loft is quiet, too quiet. The kids usually wake up earlier than this, but then again, they did fall asleep pretty late the night before. He wonders where Kate is and suddenly his rage grows when he considers if she was called in the middle of the night and left to the precinct again. He makes his way to the kitchen and finds it empty, so he moves upstairs in a hurry, hoping to prove his theory wrong. Castle doesn't feel ready to talk or even see Kate yet, but at the same time is hoping to bump with her at some point, because that would mean she hadn't left the loft, because right now he refuses to believe she would have left them to go to another crime scene. He's surprised at how mad he still is at Kate, his writer's mind playing a thousand scenarios to justify her actions and none of them completing adding up with all the events.

Despite his rush, Castle makes his best effort to be quiet once he opens the kids' bedroom door, and then for a brief moment his lips curl into a smile when he finds Amy sleeping in her mother's arms. They're both peacefully sleeping and undeniably comfortable in that position. Castle can't help but stare at them for a moment and even though he's still mad at Kate he pulls his phone from the pocket on this robe to snatch a picture of his two gorgeous girls. There's no way to deny that Amy is Kate's daughter, as not only they have a similar personality, they are the print image of eachother.

"Daddy" - Castle hears Nate babbling from his bed.

Castle smiles to the sound of his voice and approaches his bed, picking him up "Shhh" he hushes him softly with a finger across his lips "Let's not wake them up" he justifies, carrying the boy with him to the lower floor. He walks back downstairs to the kitchen knowing that both Kate and Amy need their much deserved rest after the long day they had yesterday. The kitchen seems untouched, just like he left it the night before when he decided to rush to the precinct to confront her. Thoughts of that make him shiver. He stops at the counter to turn on the coffee machine, the idea of having her pull away again, scaring him, hurting him.

Kate wakes up with someone tickling the bridge of her nose. She twitches it a couple of times before actually opening her eyes, but smiles as soon as she sees her daughter facing her. She leans in closer to steal a kiss and Amy giggles "Mommy" she pretends to complain.

"Morning, baby"

"Good morning mommy" Amy says back.

"Where's Nate?" Kate asks stretching and pulling off the covers.

Amy shrugs "Maybe dad took him" she replies getting up too.

Kate nods "Let's go downstairs and check it" Kate decides.

As they suspected, they find the boys downstairs, Nate on his high chair, Castle sitting next to him feeding him breakfast. Amy runs to meet them at the counter "Hi daddy" she greets reaching them.

"Hi princess" he says in return, putting down his coffee mug to pick her up into his lap.

Kate approaches them slowly, hugging her son from behind and placing a kiss on his chubby cheek, "Good morning" she says meaning to both them.

"Mommy!" the boy squeals in surprise.

Kate's eyes go to Castle's coffee mug, noticing that its sitting alone on the counter. Sure she wasn't up yet when he poured his coffee, but when this happens he always makes sure to get her a cup as soon as she enters the kitchen. She tries not to read too much into it and it's interrupted from her thoughts when she hears her phone ringing. Kate kisses her son once more before walking to get the call.

"Did you have trouble sleeping?" Castle asks Amy once Kate is out of their sight.

"No" Amy replies shaking her head.

"Did Nate?" he insists.

"No" she repeats her answer without paying too much attention to it.

"Then why was mommy sleeping with you?" Castle insists, finally seeming to get her attention.

"She said she couldn't sleep" the girl answers. Rick nods but remains quiet, he had woken up for a brief moment around 2 a.m. and noticed that Kate was still tossing and turning "When are you going to talk?" Amy asks after a long moment of silence.

"What?" Castle asks confused.

"I asked mom if you were still mad, she said you were too tired to talk last night" she elaborates.

"I was" Castle confirms, unsure of what to say. He would rather to keep Amy out of it, but knowing his daughter he can understand how Beckett had to give her something.

"You're going to talk now?" the girl insists.

Castle shakes his head slowly "I've a meeting this morning" it's all he says. Amy nods and remains silent "What is it?" Castle asks knowing that she's holding back.

The child raises her eyes to meet his, but hesitates "I think mommy is really sad" she ends up confessing.

Castle seems surprised. Not that he didn't know already that Kate wasn't happy with their situation after last night, but with the fact that Amy was able to tell, after all Kate is the master of keeping her emotions hidden. "Why do you say that? What did she say?" he asks, almost ashamed for interrogating his five year old daughter.

"Nothing" the girl shrugs "she told me not to worry."

"So, why are you worrying?" Castle pushes gently.

"Because mommy was crying and she never cries" Amy explains "she cried yesterday, when she hugged me at work. She says she didn't, but she did" she insists "and I saw tears inside her eyes when she climbed in my bed last night." Castle wraps his arm around her shoulders and hugs her close, speechless. He hates that Kate is feeling miserable, but he's too mad at her right now. Still he's touched with Amy's worry. "Dad, I don't like when mommy's sad" Amy continues.

"Well" Castle finally speaks, placing a kiss in her hair "I'm sure she'll feel better after spending the day with you." He straights himself up instantly when he sees Beckett coming back from the office. His posture suddenly stiff again "Please tell me you are not running again?" he asks her, accusation in his voice.

"I'm not the one running this time, remember?" Kate fires back calmly "But it was just Lainie, and it wasn't work" the detective answers.

Castle moves to kiss Jaime and say goodbye to Amy "Where are you going?" Kate asks him.

"I have a meeting. Though you may not see it, you're not the only one with a real job here" he adds.

"That's not fair, Castle" she complains firmly. Castle ignores her and passes by her to get his coat, though she's right, it's not, she's always been supportive of his work "Castle, Rick!" she calls, pulling his arm to get him to face her.

"Not now Kate" he says coldly, barely looking into her eyes.

Kate loosens her grip. As she watches him leave the loft, she moves back into the kitchen leaning her body against the counter, hands supporting her weight, and she lets out a long sigh. In a second the detective feels a warm hand on top of hers "It's okay mommy, we'll have fun today" she assures her.

Kate looks up to her daughter and can't help but smile "You know what, baby? You're right, we will!" she agrees, deciding not to let her fight with Castle interfere with one of the rare days she can enjoy her kids with the certainty of not having to go to work in a rush.

Despite the memory of the night before, the morning flies by as Kate and the kids watch the DVD from Amy's school play and go for a walk in Central Park before lunch. They get home around 12.30 p.m. to find an empty apartment, no signs of Castle. After feeding the kids, Kate takes them upstairs so she can change Nate's clothes that he managed to fill with food.

Amy sits on her bed, playing with the baby monitor, as she watches how her mom takes care of her little brother. Kate has him lying on his back on his bed and she keeps making funny noises and cute comments to distract the boy as she tries to get the sticky clothes out of his body. It doesn't take long before he starts chuckling, it was always easy to make him smile, especially for mommy. Once he's totally naked, Kate sits on the bed and pulls the toddler on her lap as she reaches for a baby wipe to clean the remains of food still showing on his face. Nate complains for a brief moment, but as soon as Kate kisses his cheek and whispers shooting words to his ear, he settles. Using her free arm, Kate reaches for a clean sweater and gently puts it over the boy's head, inserting his arms on the sleeves. Nate asks her to sing, so she does, as she reaches for his pants and makes sure his feet are warm with a double pair of socks. When she's done, she pulls him close to her and gives him one more kiss, before the boy starts struggling to get loose. That's when she notices Amy starring.

The detective gets up and walks towards her daughter, who though she already realized she's on her way, doesn't seem able to look away "You look like your dad" Kate comments, her voice fill with love "you're starring." Amy puts down the baby monitor, but doesn't say a word. "What's wrong?" Kate asks, sitting next to her and running her hand through her brown loose locks. Amy opens her mouth briefly, but closes it again without saying a word. "C'mon baby, you know you can tell me anything, right?"

Amy nods, but she still doesn't speak. Kate doesn't insist, instead she gives her a reassuring smile. "I miss when you did that to me" the girl ends up confessing.

"What? Getting you dressed?" Kate asks unsure, after all, Amy has always been an independent child, just like her mom.

The girl nods slowly "Yes… I know I'm not a baby anymore, but I liked when you did it and when you singed to me like you were doing to Nate" she confesses embarrassed "I liked when you carried me yesterday, I know I'm big enough to walk, but I liked it" she says with a shy smile, meeting her mother's eyes for the first time since she started talking.

Nate is still in the room, but he's so focused with this new toy her got from Martha that they can't even hear him.

"Oh baby…" Kate sighs, reaching out to grab Amy's little hands between hers "I love to get you dress, and sing for you and carry you, but you always wanted to do things on your own" truth is that Kate secretly hoped Amy would let her hold her more, but she had always been so independent.

"Because I'm a big girl, mommy" she explains "that's what big girls do."

Kate nods "Well, first of all, you're not that big" Kate offers gently, "plus it's okay for big girls to ask for

help and get spoiled sometimes" she continues, as she pulls Amy onto her lap.

"But I want to be like you!" Amy protests.

"What do you mean, honey?" Kate inquires confused.

"You never need help, you're always strong" Amy clarifies.

Kate knows she means well, that it's a praise, but it breaks her heart to know her daughter thinks that she has to be strong and on her own. "Thank you, but that's not true , baby" the detective disagrees "I get scared too, and I need help a lot of times, like when I'm tired or sad" Beckett confesses.

"Then who helps you?" Amy asks.

"You do, silly!" Kate tells her tenderly "You, and Nate, and daddy" she adds.

"Daddy said that" Amy recalls "this morning, when I told him I didn't like to see you sad, daddy told me I could help make you feel better" she explains.

"Your daddy knows me too well" Kate says, a hint of sadness in her voice.

Amy pulls closer into her mother's embrace and they remain quiet for a bit longer, it's uncanny sometimes how similar they are and how well they understand eachother in their silence. One of Kate's biggest fears was to have a daughter who would turn out to be just like her. She was scared the girl would hate her, but it turns out Amy is just has proud of her mom as Kate was of Johanna.

"Mom" Amy eventually calls softly.

"Hum"

"Why is daddy mad at you?" she finally gathers the courage to ask.

Kate sighs, this is not a conversation that she wants to have with her six year old daughter, but the girl is curious, just like her dad. "Daddy is mad because I didn't come home earlier last night" she decides to keep it brief.

"But you were working, catching bad guys, right mom?" Amy asks.

"I was" Kate starts unsure on how to explain it to someone this young "but the thing is, we caught the bad guy earlier, I just had to stay there longer to finish something else."

Amy nods "Was it important?"

"It was…" Kate pauses "but not as important as you" she adds. "Nothing is as important for me than you guys. You know that, right?" the detective inquires, needing the reassurance.

"I know!" Amy nods again "Is daddy going to stay mad for long?" she asks after another moment of silence.

"I hope not" Kate answers honestly.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" the girl asks, looking her mother in the eyes.

"What? No, why would you even ask that?" Kate asks confused.

"Remember when Nate ripped that draw I made for Alexis? I was really mad at him, then you and daddy talk to me and then I wasn't so mad anymore" the young girl explains, winning a laugh from Kate "Why is it funny?" the girl asks upset.

"I'm sorry, baby. It's not. It's actually really sweet" she says, calming her down, placing a kiss on her temple and pulling Amy's body against her chest "I really appreciate the offer, but I think we can manage" she assures her. "And I don't want you worrying about this" Kate reminds her once again. "You're a kid, you're supposed to play and have fun, and come to mom and dad whenever you feel scared or sad or even if you just want a cuddle, don't worry about this, okay?" she asks her daughter with a smile. She waits until she nods in agreement before continuing "Amy, you need to know that no matter if daddy and I are mad or not we'll always love you, Nate and Alexis more than anything in this world, and we'll always be here for you. And if you need us you just have to ask. You don't ever have to feel embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help or cuddles from us, ok?"

"Ok, mommy" Amy agrees, actually glad to hear those words.

"Promise?"

"Promise!" Amy says between a yawn.

"Someone is tired" Beckett chuckles.

"I'm not!" Amy rushes to deny.

"Maybe you guys should take a nap. You did go to bed quite late yesterday" the detective reminds her.

"No, mommy, please" Amy asks, sitting up in Kate's lap. Her puppy eyes facing her mother, begging, just like Castle does.

"I'll tell you what, we can pick a movie and then we'll snuggle in the couch watching it while we rest. Sounds good?" Kate suggests.

"Okay!" Amy agrees immediately "Can I go and pick a movie?"

"Sure, go ahead, I just need to put these clothes away and I'll take Nate and join you in a minute, ok? Just be careful with the stairs, please" Beckett warns her.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey guys,

First of all let me thank you for the amazing reviews. Sometimes I feel like I should take the time to answer each and any one of you, but I never know if you like to receive PMs or not so that's why I haven't.

Anyway, what I loved the most is that most of you provided really constructive feedback. You didn't just said you liked it, you told me why and that's really importatn so that I can keep improving.

It's nice to see who is siding with whom and why and amazing to see how you're receiving and understanding this story :) So, if you have anything to say, please keep those reviews coming :)

Downstairs Castle's sitting on the couch. He's serious and he's holding a baby's monitor in between his hands. Nate's laughs on the baby monitor caught his attention as soon as we walked inside the loft so he reached for it to turn it off. He never meant to eavesdrop, he just wanted to hear his boy's laughs a little longer, but then Amy and Kate started talking and he just didn't manage to turn it off. "Dad! Dad, are you okay?" Alexis insists as he doesn't respond.

"Sorry pumpkin, I was distracted" he says, getting up to greet her "How are you?"

"Fine" the young woman replies shortly "But you're not, what's going on?" Castle sighs, looking down "Kate?" Alexis asks, knowing that not a lot of people have the power to impact him this much.

"Yeah, we had a nasty fight last night" he tells her daughter.

"And you still haven't worked it out?" Alexis asks surprised, knowing that no matter how hard they fight, learning from the past, they always work it out before they go to sleep. "What happened?

"She didn't come home last night. She stayed late at the precinct, though they had catch their killer and everyone else was home" the writer explains.

"And she's not telling you why?" Alexis asks disappointed. Sure they had had a rough start, with Alexis having a hard time trusting in Beckett, but she seemed to have come such a long way.

"Actually" Castle starts hesitantly "I might have not given her a chance" he admits.

"Dad…" Alexis starts to complain, but before she has a chance to finish she's interrupted by Amy's voice, coming down the stairs.

"Daddy!" she calls, running to hug him.

"Hi Alexis" she greets her sister with a gentle smile that Alexis reciprocates.

"Had a good day?" Castle asks.

"Yes, and now we are going to watch a movie with mom. Do you want to watch it too?" she invites.

"Actually princess, I'd like to ask you a favor" Castle starts slowly "both of you, actually" he corrects, facing Alexis. The girls exchange a look and wait for him to continue "I really need to speak to your mom" he says, turning to Amy. "Do you think you could watch the movie with Alexis, while we do that? If that's okay with you" he rushes facing his older daughter.

Amy nods. "Of course dad" Alexis agrees, happy to see her dad making the right call. "Hi Kate!" Alexis calls, seeing the detective coming down the stairs with Nate by her hand.

Kate smiles, but waits until she's closer to reply "Alexis, hi" she greets giving her a quick hug "I didn't know you were coming over."

"Yes, it wasn't really planned" Alexis confesses "I hope it's okay, that I'm not disturbing you" she says suddenly blushing.

"No, of course not" Kate rushes to tell her "This is your home too, you can come whenever you want" she says warmly.

"Thanks Kate, but I haven't lived here in years" Alexis reminds her.

"Nevertheless, this is as much your home as it is any of ours" the detective reassures her, sitting Nate on the couch and excusing herself to get to the kitchen. Castle follows her, he notices how she tries to avoid eye contact with him the whole time. Alexis trades a look with her dad, and keeps the kids entertained, buying the two adults some time.

"Kate" he calls once they're alone. She has her back turned on him and jumps when she hears her name. "Sorry didn't mean to scare you" he rushes to say, approaching her cautiously.

"You didn't" she answers, her voice steady. He could never do that.

"We need to talk" he lets it out.

"Now? You didn't want to talk last night and you left in a rush in the morning and you want to talk now when the kids are here" she says glimpsing at them "waiting for me to watch a movie with them?" she asks.

"Alexis agreed to watch them and Amy already said she was okay with it" he explains hesitantly.

"So you went behind my back, great" Kate comments with irony.

"It's not like that" he assures her "I just decided and they were there. C'mon Kate, you know we need to do this" he insists.

She keeps finding things to keep herself busy so she doesn't have to look at him and remains quiet. He reaches for her arm when she turns again, grabs her elbow firmly enough to stop her but doesn't hurt her. Castle doesn't say a word, instead he waits until her eyes rise to meet his "None of us wants to have his conversation, but we need to" his voice is soft and gentle and she ends up nodding.

"Let me tell the kids" she says moving towards the couch where Alexis, Amy and Nate laugh at some silly game they're making-up as they go.

"Hey" she calls to get their attention.

"Mommy" Nate greats her excited, his blue eyes smiling at her as he crawls in her lap. The same smile, full of love and devotion his dad uses to give her.

"Have you choose the movie yet?" Kate asks them.

"The Lion King" Amy answers faster than anyone else.

"Good choice" Kate compliments.

"Daddy's watching too?" Nate asks.

"Actually, mom and dad need to talk for a moment. Alexis is going to watch the movie with you" she announces to the little boy. "By the way, are you sure that's okay with you, Alexis? You just got here and you must be tired and…"

"It's fine, Kate" the red-haired cuts her off "I missed them, it will be good."

Kate nods "I want mommy to watch" Nate complains, nothing she hadn't predicted.

"I'll join you once we're done talking" she promises.

"Before the sad part?" he asks, and Kate knows he means before Mufasa dies.

She's not sure they'll be done by then, no way to predict the course of the conversation, but she knows he hates to watch that part without her. She's struggling with what to say when Castle intervenes "I tell you what buddy, we're just going to go to the office, so if mommy is not back here once you reach that part you can go and get me. What do you say?"

Kate smiles and thanks him with a look.

"'Kay" the boy ends up agreeing "promise, mommy?" he asks her.

"Yes sweetheart, I promise, if I'm not here, you'll go and call me and I'll come to watch that part with you" she says placing a kiss on his chubby kiss and dropping him gently in Alexis' arms.


	5. Chapter 5

Castle moves into the office while she exchanges a couple of words with Alexis, and once inside, he leans against the desk, waiting for her.

Kate walks in and closes the door behind her. Silence filling the room.

"You wanted to talk" he reminds her "maybe you should start" he says, no emotion evident in his voice.

She wants to yell at him, tell him he's the one dragging her there, but she refrains, "You didn't bring me coffee" she ends up saying.

"What?" the writer asks confused, raising his eyes to lock with hers.

"This morning" she clarifies "you didn't bring me coffee."

"You're joking aren't you?" he asks in disbelief "After all that happened, that's your complaint? That I didn't bring you coffee this morning?"

"I'm not complaining" she corrects him, though for sure she didn't liked it "It's not about the coffee, it hasn't been about the coffee for years" the detective confesses "I'm just saying that I can tell how mad you are, since you've always bring me some, no matter what, and you didn't this morning" she explains, and that seems to somehow make sense for him, because he settles.

"What the hell is going on, Kate?" he asks low, his voice desperate for a reason, for something that makes sense, because his writer mind is only giving him theories he doesn't want to listen to.

"I'm sorry, I didn't come home last night" she apologize.

"You're going to have to do a lot better than that, Kate" he tells her, calmer now, finally seeming to be able to control his emotions "What the hell is happening?" he begs for an explanation. Kate moves pass by him word towards their bedroom without saying a word "Where are you going? We're just starting here" Castle asks confused. Kate doesn't reply and Castle refrains to follow her, he doesn't want to believe that after all the fight she put to explain her reasons last night she can just walk away that easily. The detective comes back a few seconds later, handling him the file she had brought home from the precinct and walking away from him again. "What is this?" Castle asks not bothering to open it.

"It's a case file" Kate replies shortly. "Open it" she instructs him.

"No, Kate! Damn it!" he vents frustrated "This can't be an excuse" he tells her waving the file in front of him "So, what if you found another case? There will always be another case, Kate, always, and that's no reason for you not to come home!"

His voice is loud again, but Kate remains calm "It's not another case, it's the same" she says, her voice just above a whisper. Castle looks at her puzzled, unsure of what she's talking about. "Just open it" she pleads.

Castle obeys, even though annoyed. The first thing that gets his attention are the pictures of the young girls. Four of them. Blue eyes, long brown curls. "Kate" he whispers raising his eyes to find her resting her back against the wall. Her hand curled up against her mouth. "Are these the victims?" he asks. He still shadows her as often as he can, and even when he can't he still finds a way to be involved in the cases, but between the writing and the kids, recently they had agree he should take a break, and he is just now realizing that he has no clue about the case she had been working on. Kate nods, but she still doesn't say a word. "God Kate, they look just like…"

"I know!" she cuts him off, not wanting him to say what they're both thinking, that their daughter is just this guy's type. Same age, same features.

They stay quiet for another moment and it's Castle who eventually speaks again. He wishes he had known, wishes he had been there to support her, because he has no doubt this one was personal, he wants to comfort her, but he still can't understand why she didn't come home last night. "I thought you caught the guy" he states, waiting for her confirmation.

"We did" she says "we got him in custody, he confessed all the five abductions and murders" she tells the writer.

Castle nods slowly, trying to wrap his brain around the little information she's giving him "I'm sorry Kate, but I don't get it" he admits. "I'm sure this one was hard, but you caught the guy, he's locked up, why couldn't you have come home?" he inquires, he's definitely calmer now, but she can still hear the hurt in his voice.

"Five" Kate says simply, and Castle looks at her completely lost "He confessed to have kidnapped, abused and killed five girls, Castle. There're only four pictures in that file" she explains and finally things start to make sense.

"Oh Kate…" he calls softly, suddenly the anger lost along the way as he moves to approach her.

"We have no idea where she is. God, we don't even know _who_ she is!" she vents, finally letting out her frustration. Castle reaches for her upper arm holding it softly "I know there will always be another case, Castle but everytime I looked at that murder board all I could see was Amy's face in those pictures" she confesses.

With that Castle pulls her close against his chest "She's fine Kate, she's just a room away, she's fine" he tries to reassure her.

She gives in for a moment, but soon she's pulling away, pacing around the room "This little girl… she's out there somewhere, alone. Maybe she's dead, maybe she's still alive, lost, trapped God knows where. And her parents, her family, they must be so worry and scared and…." she keeps rambling "And even if she's dead, Castle, even if she's dead, she's alone, probably dumped where no-one will never find her, and that's not fair Castle, that's not right…" she trails off, letting her body fall down on the couch.

He approaches her in silence, and settles next to her "Kate, I…"

"I'm fine, Castle" she shakes it off "I just got a little emotional, but I'm fine" she says trying to pull away again. This time he stops her, grabbing her wrist "Let me go, Castle" she orders and seeing that he's not obeying she begs "please Rick, let me go."

"Sit down, Kate" he directs her, his voice firm, but filled with love. The detective hesitates, but ends up doing it. The writer takes her hands on his, but gives her some space, knowing that she needs to feel in control. "The reason you didn't come home last night like everyone else did was because you were still looking for her" he says matter of fact. "You couldn't get the image of that little girl crying alone somewhere, or imagine what you would do if anything would ever happen to Amy" he continues, needing to make it clear he understands her reasons now.

"You're right" she finally speaks "It's stupid…"

"I never said it was stupid" he corrects her confused.

She ignores him, continuing her trail of thought "There will always be another case, there are tons of other missing children out there and I know that Castle, but…"

"... but they're not in your face, this one his" he finishes for her.

"Just because they aren't in my face every day it doesn't make them less important" the detective says frustrated.

"No" he agrees "but Kate, you can't blame yourself. The world can be a very dark place sometimes, but we have to keep moving, we can't dwell on everything bad that happens otherwise it would destroy us."

"So I should just be selfish and ignore it?" she asks, even though she knows that's not what he means.

Despite her tone Castle doesn't take it personally because he knows her well enough to know she's just projecting "No, you shouldn't ignore it, and you don't" he reminds her. "You're a cop, you catch bad guys for a living, you seek justice for the dead, I don't think that can be categorized as ignoring" he continues softly.

She shakes her head slightly "I know I'm being ridiculous, it's just…" she trails off and Castle squeezes her hand for reassurance, knowing that she needs to get it all out. "I love my job, Castle, I really do, but sometimes it's really hard to be surrounded by all this negativity, after all these years I still can't understand how people do this to eachother."

"I know" he agrees looking right through her and seeing that despite the conversation she's still really bothered. "This is not the whole story is it?" he gathers the courage to ask, hoping he's not pushing too hard "I'm not doubting that you were worried about that little girl Kate, but that wasn't the only reason you didn't came home, was it?" She bites her lower lip, a trick he knows too well. "You can tell me, Kate. Whatever it is, I know it's bothering you and you can tell me." He reassures her.

She hesitates for a couple of minutes but then gives in to him, like she always does. He has this way of making her feel safe, like nothing she can ever confess will make him love her any less. "I didn't want to bring it home" she finally admits.

"Bring what home?" he asks, not sure what she means.

"The darkness, the negativity, it didn't seem fair. The kids, they're so young, and naïve and purely happy and sometimes I'm not sure I have any of that in me anymore. And I don't want to destroy it, I know they need to know the real world, but I want to protect them so badly, I want to keep them pure for the longest I can and… And this particular case… all I could think was Amy, and I missed her so bad. The whole time we were working on it, all I wanted to do was hold her in my arms, make sure she was okay, but at the same time I was terrified to come home and look at her and imagine her in those crime scenes…" she confesses in one breath.

"Oh Kate…" he babbles, hating himself for not having seen it, for having fought with her on top of it all, for having doubt her, for having accused her of not caring about their children when it's obvious she loves them more than anything "Why didn't you tell me?" he asks, not in an accusatory mode, but sad that she didn't think she could have come to him.

Her lips curl into a little smile, the first one he's seen in days "Because you're just like them."

He's taken back with the comment, unsure of what to make of it "I'm just like a child?" he asks, trying not to sound too offended but failing miserably.

Kate cups his cheek with her palm "You're fun, and happy and always looking for the good in everything, and I love that about you" she clarifies "and I hate to think I'm the one taking you out of your colorful world and into the dark side everytime" she admits in a whisper.

"Kate, you put the color in my life!" he corrects her, and before he can even finish she's rolling her eyes at him "Okay, that was cheesy, but Kate just because I chose to see the bright side of life doesn't mean I'm not aware of what's going on around me, I do have days I wonder where this world is headed too, cracking jokes and making people laugh is just my way to cope with it I guess."

The detective nods slowly "I know."

"No matter how dark is the topic, I assure you that I much rather discuss it with you than knowing you're suffering in silence."

"Thank you" she whispers against his lips, right before kissing him slowly.

With all that has been going on Castle hadn't even realized how much he missed her lips on his until now, but before he can get is fix she's already pulling them away.

"I'm sorry I didn't call, I'm sorry I didn't come home, I'm sorry you felt we were going back…" she's interrupted by his point finger on her lips.

"I'm sorry about everything I said to you. You were right yesterday, I do know you better than that, and I should have given you a chance to explain" he apologizes too.

"You weren't wrong, I've done it before, running, hiding, lying even…" she says because even though she sometimes wishes she could forget she knows she hurt him in the past.

"Yes, it's true you've done all of that, but I also know how much you've worked to change that, Kate. I know that's not who you are anymore and I certainly know that you love and care about our children" he insists. They're both too worried trying to justify to another to even hear the knock on the door and they don't notice Alexis opening it either. "You're a great mother Kate, I had no right to doubt that" he makes sure to reaffirm.

Kate is about to speak when Alexis knocks on the already open door again, this time she manages to get their attention "Sorry guys" she apologizes blushing slightly "but I believe you made a promise to these two…" she says, opening the door wider to let their siblings enter the office.

The two little ones rush to their parents in a second as Alexis follows them slower. Kate squeals when the children crawl all over her and her laugh fills the room.

"Yes, I believe we did" Castle says, standing up with one kid in each arm.

"C'mon mommy!" the children call over Castle's shoulder.

Kate stands up with a smile, shaking her head slightly. "He's right, you know?" the detective is surprised by Alexis' voice.

"What?" Kate asks confused.

"About what he said" the young woman hesitates "about you're being a great mom, Kate" she explains, looking at her shyly. "My mom… well, you know her, she's not a bad person, she just wasn't cut of to be a mom, you know?" she continues.

"I'm sorry, Alexis…" the detective tries, but she's interrupted by the younger woman.

"It's fine, Kate" she says with a smile "I'm a big girl now, plus I have the best dad in the whole wide world, so I guess it makes up for it" she says and Kate can't help but feel proud about her husband. "I've always tried to use it in my advantage, this thing with my mom, I mean, I always figured I could learn from her mistakes" Alexis explains. "I guess what I'm trying to say is… I've always known how a mom shouldn't behave, but it was only until you and dad got together and Amy and Nate were born that I really understood what kind of mom I want to be and that's thanks to you, Kate"

"Alexis, I…" the detective babbles unsure of what to say. She has always been fond of the girl, even before she and Castle got together, but Alexis was already a young adult when they had got together so for Kate it wasn't always easy to figure what her role was with the girl.

"Sorry, Kate. I meant it as a compliment" Alexis rushes to say when confronted with Kate's silence. "I…"

"No, no Alexis, I know!" the detective assures her, reaching for her hands "It's just… it means a lot to me to hear that from you" she confesses and the girl gives her a warm smile. "It's like you said, your dad is the absolute best and I love that about him, but…"

"… but it also scares you" Alexis finishes for hear.

Kate nods "It's just the competition is really though, you know?" she says half joking.

Alexis nods "Well, from where I stand it looks like you're doing pretty well" she assures her.

Kate smiles, grateful for the family that she has and that she could had never dreamt for "Thank you!" she tells her, pulling Alexis into a hug.

"Hey, are you coming?" Castle peeks into the room, breaking the moment before he sees they're hugging eachother "Everything all right in here?" he asks concerned.

The two women share a look and laugh "Everything's fine, Castle" Kate tells him once they both join him towards the living room.

The End

Sorry, this one was a bit longer, but it didn't make sense to break it in 2.

Hope you enjoyed. Thank you for reading.


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